Well, the carpenter came that day. He was a jack of all trades, even if he was named James. Part carpenter, part sculptor, part Irish, part-y animal. I’ll never let myself forget that cloudless day. I had my umbrella, but not a pen. That’s why I’m writing it down now. Otherwise, I probably would forget. It was such a monumental event, the building of that monument to my grandfather. A statue erected to his memory. It was to be taller than him by a lot. I think the final plans called for that statue to reach the lofty height of 5’7”. By sheer stupidity, the sculptor/master carpenter made the final product look exactly like Tom Cruise. The most maddening part was my grandpa looked more like L Ron Hubbard.
I never saw my father swear until that day. He swore he’d never reveal the secrets I am about to reveal to you, as revealed to me by the alien friends L. Ron Hubbard brought with him (my grandpa was the ghostwriter and spiritual advisor to L. Ron).
Basically, the aliens, who weren’t green, but looked nearly identical to Tom Cruise, laid down four rules one must follow to enjoy a happy life. In the years that have passed I have forgotten what the first three were, but the fourth stood out like a man standing on stilts. The fourth secret, the only one that I remember, says, “Remember and follow the first three secrets, and thou shall enjoy a long and leisurely life.”
And what I still think about to this day, the question still pulls at my pants like an infant that has to pee is, “If I were that man who walked around on stilts all the time, would all my conversations be stilted?”