I like to think of myself as French Canadian, without the French. Or Canadian.

I want to meet the ubiquitous Nit, and see how witty he really is.

I want to couple Occam’s razor with Gillette Fusion HydraGel, and really shave off some time.

I want to be bald and wear a rug on my head. But, please, take off your shoes before you step on my face.

I want to witness a fit sperm whale riding a racing bicycle, because those contraptions are rumored to reduce sperm count. And I’d like to see how fertile a sperm whale would be after the Tour de France.