I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave.
-Jarod Kintz
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
-Jarod Kintz
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to lose weight by eating nothing but Moon Pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.
-Jarod Kintz
I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob."
-Jarod Kintz
I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.
-Jarod Kintz
Father Flannigan's Whiskey wants to remind you that wherever there are four Irish Catholics, there's always a fifth.
-Pete Blankenhorn
I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
If loving someone is putting them in a strait jacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.
-Jarod Kintz
If it's true that our destiny stems from our names, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo just had his tear ducts surgically relocated to his groin, because the only time he cries is when he's standing in front of a urinal.
-Jarod Kintz
I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.
-Jarod Kintz
