I often wonder why my name couldn't be Jared Kintz, instead of Jarod Kintz. I mean, I was destined to be grammatically incorrect from birth.

Dear Natalie,

For me, birthdays are the one day of the year to ask oneself the important questions about life. Questions such as:

-Why am I here?

-Why was I born in this particular time and place?

-Is there a higher purpose for me, and if so, can I find a way to implement my genitalia in the successful completion of my destiny?

I have long since believed that the type of underwear one wears influences the philosophical stances one takes on life. People who wear boxers tend to have freer thoughts, and people who wear tightey-whiteys tend to possess more moral restriction. ALL immortality stems from the genitals, according to Dr. Robert Kravenkrotch.

But for me, genitals are God’s gift to man (and women). If birthdays are the most beautiful thing known to man, as they represent life and the celebration of it, then genitals are the tools man was given to pass on the gift of birthdays. Maybe that’s why we were put here on earth. To make babies, so mankind can continue to market and sell birthday cards, gifts, and wrapping paper.

I want to die in a ghost town. With a population of zero, it might just serve to highlight the reality that we can bring nothing and nobody with us to our grave.

I want to live in a ghost town. Taking up residency in a town with a population of zero will make me the tax collector, the wealthiest man in town, and the first black mayor to ever be white.